"When I try, I fail..." Corrie ten Boom

"When I try I fail, when I trust He succeeds."  Corrie ten Boom.
Oh, how I would have loved to meet this woman. 

We are ever nearing "mail date".

It is surreal.  My to do list is long, but so is my energy and my awe.
So many have helped.  Another friend, Kimberly, has stepped in to purchase the most books she can get with the money that has been donated.  I am so grateful.  And right now, so calm.
So unlike myself really.

I read Corrie's quote today and it jumped out to me because - I have tried.  I have tried.  I have tried.
It used to be one of the things I would pride myself on.  A "try-er" - until it looked like I was going to fail of course, because at that point I most certainly became a "runner" - and then even more, a "hider" from the shame of it all.

Oh - I have tried.
And there was no end to it.
It wasn't good enough to succeed at first because failure was lurking around every corner.  I might have started well, but I would have to keep going - keep being better - because there was always more trying I knew I should be doing.

But then, even in my effort to avoid it, I would find myself failing at the other things on the list: peace, joy, patience.  always failing.  always falling.
I couldn't understand the freedom that Jesus spoke of.  I couldn't bear the weight of hope.
Drowning. So often, the feeling of drowning.

The thing that baffles me is that right now, I don't feel much of that, for the most part, I have peace.   I have hope.  I have freedom.
Freedom to be excited even.  Freedom to ask for help - even freedom to write about this whole thing - which I realize intellectually exposes me - but I don't feel its weight.

My dream is about to be tested, but I don't feel panicked.
Lord, God - do you understand how in awe I am of who You are?  Do I understand all that You have put in front of me, all that You have walked me through?  All that You have prepared me for?  
I have no clue Father. I cannot begin to grasp the scope or the power of Your love or of Your plans.  

My dream is about to be tested in that I have always wanted to write and speak. But, perhaps because I have lived a little more, I deeply understand that my identity is not being tested.
 
And, right now, by the grace of God, I am not trying.  I am following.  And when I look around, there is quite a crowd joining me and we are all following.  Desperate to get the word out dear Lord that you are Real.  You are interested. You are moving. 
And Dear Jesus, our sweet Savior, you are so worth moving for. 

 Another day closer.
T-minus 14.