Sunday, July 26, 2015

When the Crazy Comes Through the Cracks

This has been an emotional week for me. My sister wife of another husband is moving....far away.
and it just makes it obvious that being an adult friend is really hard work.

What is it supposed to look like when we are running all over the place, and we are so spread out, and time is far more scarce than activity?  When prioritizing is a lost art and friendships are confusing.

See, my friend leaving has reminded me of this thing I have about myself - - i hate to hurt.
HATE to hurt.
Despise hurting.
Will go to great lengths to keep myself from hurting.

But, if I have friendships, I don't get the freedom to not hurt. It's part of the package.
Loving people sometimes hurts.
It means they sometimes are going to move away - or sometimes not come through the way that I want them to.
It means that I run the risk of being left.
It means I might find out that I wasn't good enough for them to stay.

And that exposes this other thing I have about myself --- I hate to fail.
I REALLY, really, REALLY,  H A T E to fail.
Fear failing.
Will go to great lengths to keep from failing.

But, if I say yes to friendships, I don't get the security of not failing.
I will fail. I will let them down.
They will put me in situations where I am accountable to them and how they feel will become important to me.
And sometimes I can't do enough - or won't do enough.
And sometimes I will want to be God and He will remind me I am not.

And then I will realize how little control and I have --- And then the fear.
The fear that they are going to leave me. The fear that I will never be good enough. The fear of not being in control  - - - - the awful, ugly, cycle.
All because my friend is moving.

(For those of you that are thinking I should go to counselling right about now - You are right. Yes. I should.)

So this girl moves into my life, forces me to fall in love with her and her family, teaches me to be a neighbor - and then leaves.
My heart breaks.
And then all the neatly stored baggage I carry around gets jostled up and some more of my "stuff" comes up through the broken cracks - and it very messily lands on the relationships that are around me - and I realize that I only have two choices:
1. I can stuff the junk that came out and pack it away - and some of the relationships it landed on will have to get packed up as well - or
2.  I can deal with it now that it is out and find a place for it in the open.

And herein lies my dilemma:
I don't want to stuff it away - to let it grow moldier and heavier.  I don't want to keep myself from the people that the less vulnerable parts of my being know that I need.
But, I also don't want to hurt and I don't want to fail.
And somethings got to give - because all of those things cannot win at the same time.

And - I hear Him whisper....
Am I real?
Because if I am real, then I know that you hurt, and I care.
If I am real, I know that you want to love perfectly - and I know you are broken and scarred.  I was broken and scarred for you, remember?  I am not ashamed of you because you need Me.
If I am real then it is worth the struggle to be a  friend because you are in the midst of a real war - and they will help you stand.
If I am real - even if your heart is left or forgotten - it will never fall out of my hand.
And, sweet daughter, if I am real - I am enough.  
Let my love heal your broken heart. 

Oh sweet Jesus, my Savior, my King, my Friend.  Give me the courage to grieve well and to stay engaged and to celebrate such a special friendship you put in my life - and to nurture this friendship between the miles.  Courage to believe you to be God in her life - and to remember that I never was. Courage to keep learning.

It's a messy business but I love adult friends. I love doing life with other women.
I'm not going to put away all the baggage that came up.
I am going to show it to God.  Let Him see the mess and then I am going to believe that He can handle it.  That He can handle my tears and my fear.  I am going to engage the pain so I can celebrate the good things and have hope for more to come.
I am going to grieve.
I am going to mess it up.
But, I'm not going to quit.

thank you for doing life with me.
and to my dear sister wife of another husband - thank you for teaching me to be a neighbor.  i love you.

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